This document is my personal thoughts on praying.
I had a small revelation last night (February 21, 2014), and I feel that I must put my thoughts down on paper. If my ideas are wrong, I will be the first to retract my words. I am writing from a point of view that is influenced somewhat by my emotions. That is very uncharacteristic of me, but nevertheless, I feel compelled to express my thoughts.
Here is what happened:
I lay in bed one night, asking the Lord to help me with my eye problem (see below), and a new thought came to mind about praying. I figured I must put my thoughts down in written form because the idea was just too different from my usual way of thinking about praying to God.
Naturally, I know that the idea that hit me is not revolutionary and is probably “common knowledge” to most folks, but since it surprised me, I have felt a compulsion to “put it in print.” And, if my thoughts help even one person with a problem, as they pray to the Lord, then my need to solidify my thoughts will have an extra benefit.
Let me start this document where most people would start one – at the beginning, and try to transform my mental ideas into understandable, written ideas.
The Problem:
The problem I had (in February 2014) was a scratched cornea (on my left eye). That problem reduced my vision in that eye to seeing objects as through a heavy fog. Objects were hazy, but, surprisingly, some of them had color. And that is true when the light in the room is on. With low light, most objects are just dark shadows.
Apparently, as best as I can figure, I scratched my left eye in September of 2013. One morning in late September about 5:00 AM, I noticed that the upper-left part of my left eye felt as if some hard, small object were “in my eye.” I rinsed my eyes (after generating a few tears by much blinking but which did not flush out the culprit), and then they felt better. A couple of days later, the upper-right part of my right eye felt as if it had something in it. I rinsed my eyes, and they felt better. A day or so later, both eyes felt as if they each had something in them. Once again, rinsing seemed to solve the problem. During this time, I thought that I was simply having an excess amount of “sleep” in my eyes each morning. I did notice, however, that my eyes would sting much worse than on a morning when I would wake up from just a bad night’s sleep. The problem with the stuff in my eyes came and went as the days and weeks passed. (Some days I had no problem at all!) The irritation was somewhat harsh but never long-lasting. And, for some reason, still unknown to me, the irritation would occur almost always between 4:00 AM and 5:00 AM and would wake me up from a good sleep. Another fact is that my eyes never felt irritated during the daytime. At any rate, I did not go to my optometrist or an ophthalmologist for four months.
But in early February 2014, I awoke one day with my left eye stinging so much that I knew I needed to see an eye specialist. I found an ophthalmologist through the internet and started my recovery.
The Solution:
About ten percent of my cornea was damaged. The four months that I did not do anything about the problem let the bacteria grow to a phenomenal amount. My eye was now extremely red. [My right eye wasn’t too bad. A few days of mild medication cured that problem.]
A bit of information here – when the cornea gets torn, germs can get between the five layers that make up the cornea and also to the next layer (the one behind the layers of the cornea), and I had acquired quite a few of those bad guys in four months.
A problem came up with my recovery process: the vision in my left eye became very restricted on the third day of my treatment; I could not see anything with that left eye. The doctor decided to go “pedal to the metal” with my anti-germ medicine drops. He prescribed two types of drops. Each would normally be applied as one drop three times a day (six drops in all). But for my case, apply one drop every hour. I was to apply a drop even if I got up during the night. Apply anytime I could, basically. That treatment (and some ointment and Dry Eye drops) did the trick. After almost two weeks of using the new drops, my cornea was on the road to being healed. I was still fighting the bacteria/germs, but that battle was well in hand.
My cornea was doing well, and the bad germs were in retreat, but I still could not see much through my left eye. I could not even see the big “E” on the doctor’s eye chart. So, the next step was to encourage the damaged parts of the eye to heal. The doctor suggested an eye patch called ProKera. ProKera is made from the female placenta and contains amniotic membrane tissue (whatever that is). When this is applied to the eye, a regeneration process starts. I used the eye patch for sixteen days with my eye slowly consuming all of the fluid in the patch. At the end of that time, my eye looked much better, but I still could not see very well. Now by this time, my cornea had healed to the point where the doctor was now able to prescribe a type of steroid. That would speed up the healing process. I used the steroid drops (along with the anti-germ drops and the dry eye drops) for ten days. One day, during that ten-day segment, I was finally able to see the big “E” on the eye chart! In fact, I could see some of the letters on a couple of lines below the “E”. After the ten days, my vision had finally returned to the point where I could make out most objects in the room or on my desk (though not distinctly). Thank God for my healing!
Praying:
Now, as all of this was happening, I prayed to God to let the doctor’s medicine make me better, and for Him to fix my eye (if that was his plan for me). I thought about trying to be a better person if He would help me. I thought about donating more money to my church for His help. I thought about volunteering more if He would just help get me better. I thought, I thought, I thought. I was wheeling and dealing with God (of course, from just my side).
I knew it was foolish (and would have been a lie) to promise the Lord great changes in myself or anything that is substantially different to the way I am naturally because I knew I would renege on that type of promise (eventually). Despite my best intensions, I have never been able to free myself of a few “wrongs” with myself. I have tried to think on the straight and narrow, but I always eventually deviate (at least for a while). I do not blame my sinful side entirely on the Devil; I just don’t try hard enough all the time to be good. [But let it be known: my sinful side is almost always just with my thoughts and not with my actions (if that counts as any “good marks” for me).]
The Revelation:
And then the new idea about praying suddenly came to me. It was crystal clear. Jesus forgave us of our sins without our being good enough to warrant that blessing. He did it entirely by his grace to us; by his goodness [How wonderful the Lord is to us!] (since the Bible says we are supposed to ask God through Christ [Colossians 3:17]), and I have made a promise or two about doing better in the future. [Praying that way has actually been a benefit to me because it has forced me, somewhat, to live a better life. So, in the long run, I have become a better person than I was.] But my point here is that I had bargained with God any time I asked Him for His help. Essentially, I would barter with God: if He would give me some help, I would give Him a better person in me. [Now we should offer God some sacrifice to our way of living because we all need to be a little better than we are, and we all need to admit that we need Him.] But since I have never felt good enough to simply ask for help without giving something (however small) for that help, I have always prayed in the manner of bartering.
Grace:
But the point that I have missed all this time is that Jesus (being given full authority on Earth and in Heaven) can help anyone He wishes to help. He helps people just by His grace. He does not need anything from us; He has it all. So why should I not ask for His help based just on His grace to me. I cannot give Him anything; I can only promise to be better. His authority, in part, is overlooked when we do not ask for His help by His grace alone.
I’m not saying that it is better to pray to the Lord (God) for His help than to pray to Jesus just for His mercy for us or that it is better to pray to Jesus than to pray to the Lord. I’m just saying I have discovered another side to praying (another point of view about praying).
I believe now that we can ask God (through Jesus) for His help and also ask Jesus (who is part of the trinity) for His help based just on His merciful grace to us. I don’t think He would mind that at all.
Postscript:
As of late August 2014, my eye has healed almost completely; no scratch on the cornea and no bacteria. There is only one more imperfection that needs to be resolved. The imperfection is a slight film in the cornea caused by the scar from the healing process. To that end, I am continuing to administer a steroid drop every night and the Dry Eye drops during the day. But for all practical purposes, my vision with my left eye is almost as good as my vision with my right eye.
It is now mid-October 2014, and I have been told by the doctor that the film has been reduced to about one half of its amount six weeks ago. I was surprised (and a little disappointed) to learn that piece of information because I thought my eye had headed completely, since my vision is quite good. But, on the other hand, to learn that the healing process is continuing makes me happy since the doctor said that some people do not experience continued healing. If the healing continues, my vision will be even better than it is now. Wow! I am no longer using any medication drops; only over-the-counter Dry Eye drops.
In November the doctor said I should resume using the medication drops once a day to speed the recovery. Apparently, my eye can take the “strain” of the medicine.
December 29, 2014: My doctor said for me to stop using the medicated drops and just use the Dry Eye drops (four times a day – not a big deal at all). He said my eye is 90% healed. See him in six weeks.
It is now July 2015. I will see the doctor in two weeks. I don’t see how my vision can get much better (everything seems normal), but the doctor will tell me if I am fully healed pretty soon.
It is now September 2015. I’ve had another visit with the doctor. He said my eye is “holding its own.” I was a little disappointed with a lack of progress, but the doctor said he was pleased with my eye being able to maintain itself. My vision is almost perfect, so any more progress from now on is just gravy. For the past two months and for the next three months, I will use a single medicated drop in the left eye just once a week.
All of this progress has been wonderful. Luckily, I have patience for things that I need to be patient with. I’m fortunate in that regard. That characteristic has helped me pull through this problem.
I had asked God to help heal me (either by letting the doctor’s medicine do its work or by God intervening Himself), and I have thanked Him along the way, and I now thank Him once again for healing me as good as I am.
Postscript two:
I understand now (somewhat) about the way that sight-disabled people live. I have a deep respect for the value of my sight.
A new problem arises:
It is now February 2017. My eye problem with the scratched cornea is long gone. A new problem has been brought to my attention by my ophthalmologist, and it is based strictly on something I have no control over whatsoever. The control part is my age. The problem part is a cataract in my left eye.
Actually, the cataract started in 2013. My optometrist mentioned it to me back then. It was tiny back then. It has taken about three years to grow to a size where it affects my vision (somewhat). I say somewhat because I can see pretty good except for nighttime, when things are not as distinguishable as they are in the daylight.
My ophthalmologist says that my eye is okay for cataract surgery. The operation is one that Medicare covers. I cannot come up with any more excuses for delaying the operation. And so, here I am, preparing myself psychologically.
[Actually, I have already done a lot of research on the surgery. Three million times a year in this country cataracts are replaced with an artificial lens. I even prompted a friend of mine to go ahead with her surgery. Apparently, I can dish it out, but I can’t (that is, have trouble) take it. What a revelation to me about me!]
March 2017. The surgery itself was successful. The aftereffects are something I am working on. The main problem is that my new left lens makes me farsighted, and my original right lens is still nearsighted. Getting my brain to see the world, focused on only one distance at a time, is somewhat challenging. But that part is getting better (either by the effect of the eye drops or by my brain learning to adapt).
My left-eye vision improved like this: The day before the surgery – 20/200; fourth day after the surgery – 20/40; thirteenth day – 20/25. The doctor was delightfully surprised with my quality of improvement. [Although I believe (based on something he mentioned earlier) he did not want my vision to improve quite as much as it has because there is a big difference between my farsighted and nearsighted abilities, and that difference is causing my above-mentioned problem.] I am continuing to take eye drops. I will see him again in June. It’s possible that my vision could get closer to 20/20. Could that be a problem for me? Time will tell. More on that later.
A really nice result from the operation is that I did not have a problem with infection or extra pressure, like some people have had.
So, all in all, everything is good. I am happy with the results. I can see close up, and I can see at a distance (without glasses), depending on which eye I use. Well, that is mostly true. I still wear glasses for distance because I have an astigmatism with my left eye, and glasses can correct that disorder. If I do not wear glasses, I can read street signs down the road but not as sharply as when I use the glasses.